~*advice column*~

1:02PM

dear aunty meegs

what's the best way to get motivated at work?

kind regards
unmotivated
___________

dear unmotivated, 

i'm afraid that there simply isnt any way to get motivated at work.  its work, its purpose is solely to make you miserable.  the only thing i can suggest is to go find another job, but thats really only a short term solution cos in 12 months time you'll be feeling exactly the same way as you do now.
but y'know, cheer up, you could get both your legs shot off in a war or something.
love always
aunty meegs

1:59PM

dear agony aunt,

I pashed a cute chick at a party a few weeks ago

I have been putting off ringing her because I am new at this and I am not sure what to say

what should I do???
**************************** 
dear *cough*, 

i think you should ask yourself why you want to ring her.......? do you want to get in her pants? pash her again? take her on a really expensive date? be her second in line back up guy?   cos maybe there's no point in ringing her, maybe you can just wait til the next party and pash her again? if all its gonna be is a bit of fun (and i suspect it is, call it a sixth sense!) then i reckon you have plenty of time for it all to commence. 

i think you should also remember your own situation, and your 4 kids and your ex wife who might have a gun and/or a butter knife and come and find this chick when she hears about the carry on at said party.......

no but seriously, i reckon you should play with your tongue ring a bit more and wait'll you see her again.   she probably hasnt got time to take any calls anyway, she works too many hours and stuff.  

lovingly, 
aunty meegs 
p.s do you have anything else pierced? this may be the deciding factor for your party chick......hehe

5:00PM

dear agony aunt,

i feel like nothing ever changes and my life is boring. what's the best way to get a little spice back into my life?

allstar.
***************************** 
dear allstar, 

i think that you need to chuck in your job, pack some clothes in the boot of you car and just go.  anywhere, it doesnt matter where.  have some fun, pick fruit, work in a bar, be a waiter/ress......just dont come back for at least 3 months (it takes 3 months for you to feel better, i swear).

i think you'll find you'll come back radiant and happy and ready to start life all over again.

i hope it works out for you

love, aunty meegs

10:44AM - 2 in 1

hehehe. but what if *i'm* the one who wants to be tied up/roughed up?!

also, he's very anti-violence against women (which is a good thing, of course). but as a result, he thinks it's wrong to hit women in ANY circumstance, even with consent! thus, he won't hit (read: spank) because he thinks it will hurt me, despite my assurances otherwise.

your advice please, oh wise one?
*************************************
i think you should sneak off to a bondage club and let some other lucky fella spank you.  (its not cheating if there's no penno, thats what the rules are).  

your other option is just to buy a few toys, tie yourself up and beg him to do some naughty things to you.  lets face it, once he sees you spreadeagled on the bed, lookin all sexy in your new lingerie, completely helpless and at his mercy, he's gonna do whatever the hell you want him to. (or, whatever the hell he wants to do).  either way, you win!

best of luck my friend.

__________________________________
dear aunty meegs,

you give the best advice ever. how do you do it?

curious
********************
dear curious, 
i just make it up as i go along
love aunty meegs

10:26AM - unrequited love

dear aunty meegs,

I'm in love with someone even though he'll never love me back and I don't even want him to because we'd be a really bad couple. The trouble is, he's a really good friend and I don't want to stop spending time with him. How else can I get over him?

- crazy/beautiful
**********************
dear crazy beautiful, 

i'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but the answer is you cant.  the only way to get over him is to cut all ties with him and since you're really good friends thats probably never gonna happen.  

so suck it up and enjoy his friendship and just try not to get caught perving on him too often.   

much love
aunty meegs

10:13AM

dear aunty meegs,

my partner likes vanilla. i enjoy a bit of spice. how do i encourage my partner to try a bit of bdsm?

yours sincerely,
bettie ;)
*******************************
dear ms p, i mean errr, betty,

just tie him up, then he has no choice! 

make sure you remember to untie him afterwards though.

love aunty meegs

9:55AM - the g-man

dear aunty meegs,

is there a god? if so, who/what/where is it?

cheers
curious g.
******************************** 
dear curious g, 

yes, there is a god.  she is a very tall lady who lives in a cave on top of mount fuji.  she doesnt have to cook or clean or even move because she has monkeys who do it all for her.  and she doesnt age.  she has special powers and when people pray she looks into her magic 8 ball and checks out who is doing the praying and whether they're worthy of having their prayers answered and if they're not she strikes them with lightning as punishment for daring to ask.  if they are worthy, she makes them sweat it out a few days and then *maybe*, if she feels like it, she answers the prayer.  (hey, i never said she was NICE!).

no one knows her name but she was born in the garden of eden in the time when jesus was a carpenter rebel who had a big night on acid one weekend and ended up nailed to a cross (i bet he's regretting THAT little binge now, eh?).  her sister is mary and everyone knows she's not really a virgin, although it wouldnt be a shock really cos who'd want to shag that hairy joseph? not me thats for sure.  god has no brothers because she deicded that all men were evil and cut off their balls at birth.  then she realised we'd need them in the world in order to procreate so she allowed a few to stay, but she reduced the size of their brains and took them out of their heads and put them in their......okay this is getting silly now.

the actual answer to your question curious g, is 'if a tree falls in the woods and no ones there, does it make a sound?' in other words, i dont know.

lovingly, aunty meegs

9:32AM - boring

dear aunty meegs,

help! i have no problems in my life for which i seek advice. my life is so boring. nothing exciting ever happens to me. what can i do to make my life worth talking about?

- bored
**********************
dear bored, 

i think you need to pick a fight with someone.  spill someone elses biggest secret, steal someones boyfriend, spike someones drink.......just make trouble.  sure, you'll be vastly disliked by a large number of people but at least you'll have some excitement.  at least you'll have something to think about.

go on, be an asshole....i dare ya.

much love, 
aunty meegs

11:08AM

hi agony aunt.
i havent been feeling happy lately. what could help me cheer up? and how do i find a boyfriend who isnt a loser? i never meet anyone i like.
from flipper.
*********
dear flipper,
to answer the first part of your question - drugs. drugs could help cheer you up. unfortunately this will probably mean that you will fall in love with a loser, probably one who's addicted to drugs and pulls you down with him and makes you all skinny and depressed all the time.
but fear not, there is hope for you yet.
find the drugs, walk away from the loser with bad skin who supplied them to you, go to a gig (it doesnt matter which one) and throw yourself on the roadie....the roadie will be so thrilled you chose him over the lead singer that he'll never ever do anything nasty to you ever. and then you will have a boyfriend who is possibly still a loser but at least he will be totally devoted to you and that cant all be bad, surely?
good luck
aunty meegs

1:19PM

Dear Aunty Meegs,

I'm looking for a good sport to do to lose a bit of weight and tone up and destress a bit. I'm thinking of yoga or pilates... what would you recommend?

Do you think Britney will lose custody of her kid?

From Questionman.
**********
dear questionman,
i dont think yoga or pilates realy help you lose much weight. i think yoga is very good for de-stressing though. i'm not sure about pilates because i dont live in los angeles.
if you need to lose some k-g's i suggest either embarking on a hard-core speed diet or doing some laps round your clothesline (the first option is guaranteed to be much more fun).
i think britney should never have been allowed to reproduce in the first place, there should've been a law in place. i dont know what the fate of her kid will be, probably it'll grow up like most sons-of-famous people and have a drug habit, a behavioural problem and the author of a tell all book at 15.
good day to you questionman
love aunty meegs

11:29AM

Dear Agony Aunt,

I am a great person and have too many friends. Will I be too busy, again, next year? What does my future hold for 2006? What do I need to do to fit everyone into my social calendar? I can never keep up, and I worry people think I snub them!

Regards,
Not Alone
***********
dear not alone,

according to my crystal ball, you will indeed be too busy next year. you'll take on a big project which will suck up all your time and keep you working long long hours and all your friends will get really pissed off with you cos you never have time to hang out with them. but at the end of it you will have a completed project to brag about and make all your friends jealous anyway, so who needs 'em.

unfortunately there is also a little drama in store for you next year. you'll get the sack from your job because of being sprung shagging the mail boy on top of the photocopier, and then you'll get a new job as a postman but quit shortly after because someones dog attacks you and you end up in hospital where no one visits you because all your friends are suddenly too busy and havent got time.

now, in order to fit everyone into your social calendar you just need to do big mass catch ups. send out a group email to all your mates and say you'll be at the pub on this day at this time and if they want to see you, they will come. you could make a list and anyone who doesnt show up, gets less effort from you in making time to hang out with them. or you just stop hanging around with the people who shit you, i bet that would cut half your friends out just like that.

that is all for today, my brain is hurting.

regards,
aunty meegs

10:34AM

Dear Agony Aunt,

I am a loser and have no friends. Will I be alone, again, next year? What does my future hold for 2006? What do I need to do to have people like me?

Regards,
Alone
*************
dear alone,

my psychic abilities are a bit slow today, but i consulted my crystal ball anyway and apparently, next year will a bit of a mixed bag for you.

you will have friends, but they'll be a bad influence on you and will draw you into a life of crime. you'll end up in the slammer because your new friend dobbed you in for the robbery. but then you get paroled after 6 months and fall in love with an ex-con who you met on the inside. you'll keep up a relationship for a while but it'll fall apart when you dump him (or her?) for a musician.

as for the other part of your letter...in order to get people to like you i think you just gotta be nice to them. smile at people and tell them they look pretty today and pretend to be interested in their pathetic little lives. that usually works. you could also try bribery, buy them drinks and take them out and stuff. or just pay someone to hang out with you and make you look cool.

possibly though, just being yourself (even if you're a cunt) usually works. people respect you for having the guts to stand up and say 'yes i'm an asshole' and with respect comes like. or something. but its even better if you're not a cunt because then they'll just like you and they wont have to worry about the respect bit. see?

have a nice christmas
love mystic meegs

3:13PM

Dear Aunty Meegs,

I'm bored. Can you please tell me a story to entertain me?

Also, what's good to do on New Years Eve in Sydney?

Love
Boredo.
*****************
dear boredo,
here is your story:
once upon a time there was this bored dude called boredo, he got so bored that he started googling all his friends to see what it would say about them. he found out that 2 of his friends had become priests without telling him and another 3 had gotten married AND divorced and he didnt even know. this made boredo very sad and he decided to call all his friends and see what he'd been missing out on. so he did, except that his friends were working, and they werent bored, and they didnt have time to talk to him about their lives so they yelled at him and abused him and told him not to call anymore and one of them even said a rude word to him! so poor boredo had no friends, and no life, and nothing to do. he went to play the pokies but even they didnt like him very much and they pinged and panged at him til he couldnt stand it anymore then he went to the beach and walked into the ocean and kept walking til the water was over his head and he held his breath and no one ever saw boredo again.
the end.

the shouties are playing in sydney on new years eve, i would suggest you go see them as they are most excellent and very entertaining. if you like less entertaining and fun then go watch the fireworks at circular quay.

happy boredom day boredo!
love aunty meegs

11:46AM

Dear Auntie Meegs,

Recently I met a rock star. I think he's hot. How to I get him and keep him.

Rock Star Lover.
******
dear rock star lover,
i'll let you in on a little secret about rockstars, they're kinda boring. underneath all the sex, drugs and rock n'roll you will usually find a regular schmoe who does gardening, eats carrots and likes books.
so to get this rock star of yours i suggest you try, perhaps, talking to him like he's a human being. ask him questions and look interested (do not stare at his cock when he's talking to you)...y'know, kinda like what guys do with us when they're trying to get in our pants.
as for keeping him, well, thats kind of impossible. cos although they are boring normal people, they still have penises and girls throwing themselves at said appendage and no guy can resist that, let alone one who is also getting free drugs and alcohol thrown into the mix.
so unless you're prepared to share this rockstar of yours until such time as his band breaks up and he has to go back to being a tradey, i would suggest you just enjoy your one night of fun and send him on his way.
best of luck young groupie-in-training
love aunty meegs

2:10PM

Dear Aunt Meegs,

Whats your idea of the perfect wedding?

From,
Thinkingaboutit.
*******
dear thinkingaboutit,
my idea of the perfect wedding is probably very different from yours but what the hell, i like this game so i'll play.
i've always liked the idea of a church wedding because i grew up catholic and thats always what weddings were.... plus i think it sort of symbolises the reverance and the seriousness of the occasion, the lifelong committment you're making.
so, in keeping with that i would like to be married in st stephens church in camperdown. its next door to dog shit park and its not a catholic church so i would have to bring in a priest with some holy water to appease my dad (and make sure he coughed up for the party).
i would have gorgeous photos by that big tree and around the cemetary and in the park.
errm, i refuse to wear a meringue dress because i hate them. i would wear a nice fitted at the top, flowey at the bottom dress with flowers in my hair and probably not a veil because i dont like them either. instead of white (which would be an out and out lie) i would go for very very very light pink, so pale its almost white. my bridesmaids would be in dark pink, i'd either have just one to save fights among my friends or i'd just go all out and have all of them, a mass stomping up the aisle.
although i would like a church wedding i wouldnt really like a religious one. i'd come down the aisle to (cant tell you the songs in case you steal my ideas) hopefully played live by bec on piano, berns on guitar/vocals and my cousin on violin.
the ceremony i would like filled with piano and guitar music.
umm, the reception shall be in a nice classy hotel somewhere and everyone gets a room there so we can party all night.
i want the shouties as my wedding band, cos they are good for dancing and stuff.
and of course, when its time for speeches my new husband will get up and play the song he's just written me as a wedding present and the best man will make a lovely speech about how glad he is that 2 of his friends finally made it down the alter.
heeeee.

1:12PM

Deary Aunty Meegsy,

Whats your opinion on the whole livejournal "friends" thing? There are people on my flist who I don't read because they're boring or I just don't really like their journal or online personality all that much. But they're also "friends" of many other "friends" and I don't want to answer why I defriended them...does it matter? I don't know all of them inperson anyway. If I don't like their journal is it really a personal insult? Should I keep skipping these people to keep the peace/incase they become more interesting like other people seem to think they are, or should I do a mass defriend to save myself the boredom? Is there such a thing as having too many friends or "friends"?

Bored@LJ.com
**********
dear bored,

the friends thing on LJ has always been a tricky little thing. lots of people dont give a crap if you read their lj or not, lots of people filter entries so you *cant* read the juicy stuff anyway...but then again there are people who take it to heart i you defriend them, even if they themselves skim over your entries.
personally, i keep all friends on my list and if they've got an entry i'm not interested in i just skim it. generally this is to keep the peace and also its a little arrogance in me that doesnt want to deny these people the chance to read my terrribly witty friends only posts (of which, of course, there are many!).
but its up to you of course, if you find yourself not reading any posts by a person maybe its time to defriend them - no matter who they are.
i would write an entry stating your intentions and asking anyone who is super keen to keep reading YOUR posts to comment (these posts are generally regarded as self indulgent but who gives a shit?).
this may assist you in your decision.
hopefully.
the other option is of course, cutting them all anyway and causing the LJ civil war of 2005.
whichever way you decide to go, i wish you luck.
peace out man
love aunty meegs

2:58PM

Dear Anuty Meegs,

I am boring and need to have more interesting things happen in my life. I am going to Sydney in a couple of weeks, what can you recommend for me to make my boring life interesting?

Bored of being boring.
**********
dear bored,

probably the best way to make your life more interesting is to see the above post.....i suggest hanging out with this mrs freedman person at least long enough for shenanigans to ensue.

you could also spend time at venues such as the judgement bar, spectrum, the rose, the townie and other places where cool hip indie kids hang out and they serve champers. you should probably buy mrs freedman a few champers, i think that would make YOUR life very interesting indeed.

yes, the answer is definitely buying mrs freedman a champers.

enjoy sydney!
aunty meegs

11:48AM

Dear Aunty Meegs,
I'm getting incoherent SMSs from a certain person (let's call her Mrs Freedman) on my phone. I think other people, including Mrs Freedman, are having more fun than I am on this quiet Saturday night. What should I do?!
love from
Confused in Brisvegas
************
dear confused,
firstly i think you are mistaken about the incoherency of these texts, i think they are very easy to understand if you speak the launguage of pazzed....perhaps you should take lessons?
secondly i think the answer is clear, you should be hanging out more with this mrs freedman character, she sounds like lots of fun and your life will probably only get better if you hang around her.
that is all.
good day
love aunty meegs

11:58AM

dear aunt meegs
in acquiring some speed for a friend I could only get base
how do I explain the difference and how should she take it ????


method challenged
**************
dear method challeneged,
i think what you should do is meet me at the townie sometime after 7.30pm on friday night so that i can sample this base of which you speak, its the only way to know for sure if its quality goods or not. in fact, i better keep it with me for safe keeping and so forth, just in case.
dont worry about the difference and how she should take it, once it is in my care i can fob her off with some icing sugar and we'll all be happy (well i will at least).
so, friday night then?
aunty meegs

11:57AM

Hiya Aunty Meegs,

I ordered a t-shirt from the states that took forever to get here. I sent an email the day before it arrived complaining about it... I got a reply saying that they will replace it for free (which would mean two new shirts!) should I just ignore the fact that it arrived?

Boring Freak
****************
dear boring freak,
yes, yes you should.
love, aunty meegs